Satan’s iPod III: Mephistopholes’ Response to the Blender Article

The ‘net has been abuzz with the recent articles in Blender magazine listing the 50 Worst Bands and Songs of All Time.
Now, some of these songs would appear by default on Hell’s Muzak System (which I envision as a less reprehensible version of Satan’s iPod) based on their mediocrity or plain stupidity. The Red One’s iPod consists of tracks that are intrinsically evil.
But let’s not let this opportunity pass us by. Here’s a link to an article that has the complete list, and the next page has my reading on the list.

Blender Magazine’s list of the 50 Worst Songs Ever
1. We Built This City … Starship … 1985: “Worst?” I could think of many songs that would earn this title, but I’ll give them this one.
2. Achy Breaky Heart … Billy Ray Cyrus … 1992 Yup.
3. Everybody Have Fun Tonight … Wang Chung … 1986 I have to disagree here. This is just kind of stupid 80s fun.
4. Rollin’ … Limp Bizkit … 2000 Showing my age: I don’t know this song, but the sample I heard on iTunes tells me it’s just a buncha noise.
5. Ice Ice Baby … Vanilla Ice … 1990 Oh yeah. Taking a bad riff from a lousy Queen song and making it an even worse ersatz “rap” song? I agree.
6. The Heart of Rock & Roll … Huey Lewis and the News … 1984 “It’s still beat-tinnnnn.. in Clevelannnnnd…” Bad News, if you ask me. I do remember they had a different version for the radio in every city: at the end of the local version of the song when he shouts out the names of cities, he goes “Chicago!!!”
7. Don’t Worry, Be Happy … Bobby McFerrin … 1988 This is too easy a target. I almost feel bad agreeing with this one. Sort of like the “short bus” metaphor from the other day.
8. Party All the Time … Eddie Murphy … 1985 Bad song, but brilliant marketing. I remember this video was all over MTV back then. He struck while he was the hottest.
9. American Life … Madonna … 2003 I never heard this song until just now. Yeah, it’s bad.
10. Ebony and Ivory … Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder … 1982 Remember my blog entry from a couple weeks ago about my friend Karen and my sitting facing the door? The day that happened, this song was playing over the piped-in music system as we entered the restaurant. We started laughing at the stupidity of the song and the fact that it was now our Theme Song. This black woman from the Chicago Inner City and this White Suburban Kid walking into a Mexican restaurant to this song: nice image. I agree half-heartedly with this selection, only because if I were making this list and indicting Paul for something, it would be the “The Girl is Mine” with Michael Jackson, rather than this one. Stevie sounds like he’s got a little soul here, at least.
11. Invisible … Clay Aiken … 2003 This is one of those songs that’s so innocuous that you don’t even realize it’s playing. It’s like Novocaine on the brain. I don’t think it deserves #11. It deserves to be ignored.
12. Kokomo … The Beach Boys … 1988 A candidate for Satan’s iPod. Not only does it rot, it was featured in a Tom Cruise movie that rotted, and it proved that Brian Wilson’s brain had turned to something between Quaker Oats and a Lemon-Lime Slurpee. If, in fact, he had anything to do with this song. Dennis was spinning in his grave when this one came out.
13. Illegal Alien … Genesis … 1983 Man, this was a stupid song. These were the guys responsible for “The Carpet Crawlers” and “The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway?” No, they weren’t, that was Peter Gabriel. I think the “Spitting Image” puppets were in the video, too, weren’t they?
14. From a Distance … Bette Midler … 1990 Anything by Bette makes this list, no arguments from me. Although I would have chosen “The Rose,” another candidate for Satan’s iPod.
15. I’ll Be There for You … The Rembrandts … 1995 Aww, the theme from “Friends?” With a cute little Beatles-esque video to go with it? Not at #15 in my book…
16. What’s Up? … 4 Non Blondes … 1993 Funny, up until this moment I thought this song was called “What’s Going On?” I started hating this song when I saw a really bad bar band playing this song and their fans/friends/family/whoevers were sitting there, singing along and making these cute little hand gestures to match the lyrics. (“I get real high…”) Sure, I’ll agree.
17. Pumps and a Bump … Hammer … 1994 Poor guy. He was just plain awful. But he sold a lot of records.
18. You’re the Inspiration … Chicago … 1984 The guys responsible for “25 or 6 to 4.” Poor Terry Kath– if he didn’t…. never mind, I have to stop myself right there.
19. Broken Wings … Mr. Mister … 1985 Rip off a piece of a Paul McCartney lyric and make a new song out of it. Yeah, it was bad. Then again, the drummer from Mr. Mister joined XTC for their brilliant “Oranges and Lemons” album, so he’s exonerated.
20. Dancing on the Ceiling … Lionel Richie … 1986 I’ll agree with anything from this guy being on the list, although I would have chosen that song that goes, “Hellooooooo? Is it meeee you’re looking fooorrrrrrrrrr?”
21. Two Princes … Spin Doctors … 1992 Eeech. Didn’t these guys appear on “Sesame Street” doing this song?
22. Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American) … Toby Keith … 2002 I had a girlfriend who was into country music, and I learned to appreciate certain songs and artists, but this thing just sounds like a way to make some bucks off the people we lost on 9/11. This song belongs here, along with that “In America” song by Charlie Daniels where he tells The Russians to “go to Haayeell.”
23. Sunglasses at Night … Corey Hart … 1984 Whiny, awful stuff, and a synthesizer riff that sounds like a dentist’s drill.
24. Five for Fighting … Superman … 2000 Never heard of it, and I can’t find it right now. I defer to the editors.
25. I’ll Be Missing You … Puff Daddy featuring Faith Evans and 112 … 1997 Another one I probably heard, but can’t identify it now.
26. The End … The Doors … 1967 Ohh, maaaannn.. The Lizard King? I have to agree, and I would move it up the list. Another one that’s almost too easy to pick for this list.
27. The Final Countdown … Europe … 1987 I remember very little about this song beyond them screaming “The Final Countdowwwwnnnnnn..” Okay.
28. Your Body Is a Wonderland … John Mayer … 2001 I agree here, but I have to say that whenever I hear it, I always think of Patrick Starfish in “Spongebob” reading off a candy wrapper: “It’s a vast, swirling wonderland of sparkling white pleasure. Let it fill your senses with cascading, fluffy pillows of excitement and comfort as you’ve never felt before.”
29. Breakfast at Tiffany’s … Deep Blue Something … 1995 Wasn’t one of the guys in this band a schoolteacher? This is one of those “background” songs that I don’t like or hate. Give up the spot to a more deserving candidate.
30. Greatest Love of All … Whitney Houston … 1986 Quoth Jack Black: “I believe the children are the future…” 🙂 I never hated this song, but I never liked it either. Not sure it belongs here.
31. Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm … Crash Test Dummies … 1994 What is this garbage? They did a great version of XTC’s “All You Pretty Girls” and then… this? Hmm.
32. Will 2K … Will Smith … 1999 Never heard this song until now. It sounds to me like almost everything else that’s on the radio these days. Can’t speak for its inclusion here.
33. Barbie Girl … Aqua … 1997 Yeah, it’s awful, and my kids like it. Must change their tastes. There’s an equally annoying Aqua song called “Dr. Jones” that’s basically interchangeable with this one.
34. Longer … Dan Fogelberg … 1979 Okay, call me a sensitive male, but this song is okay in my book. As in, listen to it once a year. Then it’s insulin shock time. Dan did so much better stuff, like “Part of the Plan” and the “Twin Sons of Different Mothers” album. I admit this is pretty shlocky, but I dunno if it belongs here.
35. Shiny Happy People … R.E.M. … 1991 Treading verrrrrrrrrry carefully here for one of my lovelier readers. Can I get back to you on this? 🙂 Seriously, though, I thought this was an okay song, but I was always annoyed by that B-52s chick’s singing. I would say it doesn’t belong here. (whew)
36. Make Em Say Uhh! … Master P featuring Silkk, Fiend, Mia-X and Mystikal … 1998 Don’t know it. Is it a misogynistic, oversexed rap song? Okay.
37. Rico Suave … Gerardo … 1991 A throwaway, like “Party all the Time.” Not sure if it belongs here, but okay.
38. Cotton Eyed Joe … Rednex … 1995 My main problems with this song are two: (1) My cycling instructor Allison insists on playing this at least once a month, and there’s nothing more unnerving than hearing this over loud EV speakers at 8:00 am on a Saturday; and (2) It spawned that cringe-inducing “Hamster Dance” song. Both are candidates for Satan’s iPod.
39. She Bangs … Ricky Martin … 2000 Subtlety is not Ricky’s stong suit. “Yes” to this one’s presence on the list.
40. I Wanna Sex You Up … Color Me Badd … 1991 Too bad there’s not an ounce of soul in this song. It could have been pretty good instead of sounding like the Osmonds trying to sound sexy.
41. We Didn’t Start the Fire … Billy Joel … 1989 I never, and I mean NEVER understood the attraction to this song, and it was freaking everywhere back then. A certainty for Satan’s iPod.
42. The Sounds of Silence … Simon & Garfunkel … 1965 Gotta disagree here. Yeah, it sounds sappy now, but considering the times it was written for, I say it doesn’t belong here.
43. Follow Me … Uncle Kracker … 2000 “You won’t find no-body else like meeee…” Another one of those don’t like it/can’t say I hate it songs. I’ll give it to you, though.
44. I’ll Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That) … Meat Loaf … 1993 Disagreeing here for one reason and one reason only: the Meat Loaf song that belongs here AND on Satan’s iPod is “Paradise by the Dashboard Light.” Never has teenage sex sounded so stupid. And (arrghh) another one of Allison’s favorites.
45. Mesmerize … Ja Rule featuring Ashanti … 2002 I know this song, and I never thought anything about it until I heard the explicit version until just now. (“I got a fetish for f***in’ you with your skirt on…”) I don’t know how this differs from a lot of rap songs, but okay, put it here.
46. Hangin’ Tough … New Kids on the Block … 1989 Ooh, treading lightly again. I don’t wanna make anyone feel bad about their childhood favorites. To be honest, I never heard this song, or at least I never noticed it. Sounds like Backstreet Boys to me. Sure, put it here.
47. The Only Thing That Looks Good on Me Is You … Bryan Adams … 1996 Ewww. This from the guy who did “Cuts Like A Knife,” which was a cool song with an even cooler video. Yes to this one.
48. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da … The Beatles … 1968 We all know that Paul likes The Weed. Okay? It’s too easy to put this one here. We should pick something else.
49. I’m Too Sexy … Right Said Fred … 1992 I smile when I think of this not because of the song, but because of the Cameron Diaz-Christina Applegate-Selma Blair version that appeared in “The Sweetest Thing.” (Click at your own risk.) Yes, put the original right here, and the other version belongs on another list.
50. My Heart Will Go On … Celine Dion … 1998 Yup. Belongs further up, though.